21 10 / 2014

Lately I’ve been thinking about me and my boyfriend… I wonder if me and him will end up together “forever”. I keep thinking of how we would be if we had our own place and had our own family. I try not to think of it too much because right now he’s trying to rush into things, well so what it feels like. I tell him to slow his roll on that because I rather not talk about it. I would much rather do it and experience it. my boyfriend and I dated about two years ago when I first started college. I have to admit, he is one amazing guy. Anyways, after we broke up back then we stopped talking to each other for about a year since I was dating someone else. He finally contacts me through facebook after so long and we start talking about. However, I had just broken up with my current ex. So I told him maybe we should wait before getting back together because I had just broken up with this guy and I didn’t want to have any mix feelings. We waited a week, or less maybe, before we actually considered being a “couple”. I still didn’t feel right getting with him because I still have some feelings towards this other guy. I told my boyfriend I felt bad about how bad I feel. So he tells me I really shouldn’t have feelings for this guy because he did me wrong. Which he did but I chose that relationship. I chose to be with this guy with him having someone else believing the lie that he was going to leave her. regardless of how horribly wrong that is, I still hurt from this guy. Anyways, my boyfriend doesn’t know, however, that I am having a grieving period while in a relationship with him since I rarely see or speak to him. So I really don’t want him rushing things or even thinking of us as a family until I’m done grieving. I love my boyfriend and wouldn’t trade him for the world but I don’t want to have leftover feelings or thoughts if we do get married and have kids. I want it to be just US all the way through.

13 10 / 2014

How dare i?

how dare i….

not how dare you!

you knew…

you knew your plot…

your plot to abandon me…

to use me…

this real reality only leave me to blame.

i no longer blame you

for this cause of pain

i chose to be with you

to play the role of another woman

how could i have known…

this ending…

this selfish ending..

how could i have known…

that you would abandon me

i had a hope… 

a false hope

a hope that what others said were not true

that you weren’t like the rest

that you would never leave me…

for a moment

a single moment

i believed it was true

that you were ready to leave

to leave her, not me!

did i imagine that?

did i imagine you leaving me?

yes

for a moment

that single moment i was afraid

afraid of you leaving me

with little knowledge it would come true…

you planned it perfectly..

you left our place of security

the place where everyone knew

how could i not have seen it?

you started to change

the way you were with me

how could i not have seen it?

you took your time coming for me

you took your time talking to me

you even took your time

on my birthday?

how could i not have seen it?

you started snapping at me

i questioned, “what did i do?

you snapped at me

you did…

it took me by surprise…

i questioned “am i becoming her?”

how could i not have seen it?

i kept smiling

i kept trying

why was i trying?

you fooled me…

you fooled me and enjoyed it

embarrassed, you fooled me

a show i was to who i thought,

who i thought were my friends

how could i not have seen it?

i didn’t want to…

i didn’t want to see you lies

your false promises

the belief of your love…

the love you lied about…

the love you faked…

all you wanted was lust…

my lust…

how dare i?

how dare i allow you to do this?

how dare i… 

how could i…

how could you? 

why did you…

of all the people!

why me?

why?

"…And she fell in love with his flattering smile…"

16 9 / 2014

Why make a schedule if your not going to stay with it?!?! My math teacher has been off schedule for the past two weeks. I would prefer going by schedule instead of not by schedule. Its really annoying. I have a migraine now because of this mix up.

06 9 / 2014

I always had a problem with believing i was an addict… i couldn’t understand definition of an addict until i had to do an essay with a conspiracy experience. My experience with addiction and the theories about weed not being a drug and not getting addicted to it. As i wrote out my story, i realize when i became and addict and how… not every addict has a horrid story of jails vs death. I am one of those addicts who thankfully didn’t have to hit rock bottom for me to stop. However, i have still need healing and i still need understanding. Looking forward to getting that soon.❤

06 9 / 2014

So I’ve had this on my heart since father’s day…
I don’t really know my dad… he didn’t raise me. I was raised by his parents. My sister had posted on instagram, on father’s day, about how great of a father he is. After reading that, i felt anger. Not towards her directly but anger because i can’t say that about my dad. I have no clue who my dad is. And i didn’t realize this emotion towards him until i saw that post. I have no idea what to do or how to cope with this. Tonight i realized my step brother is doing the same thing. He got married to a woman who has a child and is taking care of or raising him and i want to ask him how can u do that when u have another child? How can u just ignore ur first child? I would like to know that… i would like an understanding of that… a man’s point of view and emotion while he’s doing that… i want to know if the man still feels for the child or feel guilty because of it… i want to know…. 😕

05 9 / 2014

That moment when u can imagine u and your special someone spending a life together. ❤

01 7 / 2014

I decided to forgive you…
Then u broke my heart and crushed my hopes…
I decided to fall for you…
Why did i fall for you…?

26 6 / 2014

haven’t heard from my boyfriend since last night, so i’m assuming we’re done. i’m not actually surprised. i actually saw it coming. however my dumbass decided to fall for him so i’m a little hurt. you’d think you’d prepare yourself for such pain… wrong-o! no preparation could never stop you from hurting. lesson learned. never date a guy who swears up and down he’s leaving his girl.

26 6 / 2014

and again i am disappointed… 

20 6 / 2014

The things u do for me…
They surprise me each time…
Not one can compare to u my dear…
I find myself truly loving you.
I didn’t think that such thing could happen…
That u would really love me like u say.
That all my expectations would be wrong.
That in itself surprised me.
As each day passes by,
Dare i love u truly?
Dare i love u completely?
Dare i risk putting my heart on the table?
Dare i give u my heart to have and to hold?
Dare i…?
With all thats gone on and that is going on,
Dare i say i do?
Stress and all,
Anger and all?
Sadness and all?
Everything i go through,
Dare i love you?
Dare i love u faithfully?
Dare i put aside my doubts, my concerns, just to say i love you?
Dare i scream to the world “I LOVE THIS MAN!”?
….yesss….