25 9 / 2014

what do you do when you have this big scare planted in your heart and you want to know how to heal?

Today in Intro To Theatre, he finished up a play called “this is how i learned to drive”. if anyone knows this play, then you know it is about a girl’s uncle molesting her until she puts a stop to it when she turned 18. That being said, yes i was molested when i was younger. However, that is not what this will be about. I have forgiven that man but i refuse to talk to him. I keep trying to go back into my memory as much as i can because as my mom seems to think, “there is something going on in your head. that’s not right and i’m concerned” (okay, so it may not be exactly how she says it but remotely around that thought.) I’m actually beginning to believe her because growing up from age 8 to now, the only literal thought on my mind was sex. yes i said from age 8 to now. (8 is about as far as i think i remember thinking of it) how ever, i have a huge secret i haven’t told anyone and I’ve decided to share it on here. Somewhere between the ages 6-8, i remember watching porn in my grandpa’s brother’s room. I’m not sure if that was probably the cause of my thoughts on sex but i feel like it is. Maybe it’s not, i don’t know. however, i know i shouldn’t have been watching porn at 6,7, or 8. With that being said, i’ve come to question my thoughts about an ex i dated. He is 33 going on 34yrs.(12yr difference in age) the questions i had was, why did i date him? one would think maybe because i actually wanted to be with him. Actually, i wasn’t really sure about dating him. He had a girlfriend and i didn’t want to be with him because of her. Apart of me, did want to be with him but it wasn’t because i wanted to give him a chance. He gave me this weird feeling when i was around him. it was an uncomfortable feeling but i liked it. I told him i wouldn’t get with him until he left his girlfriend. however, we ended up going on a date because i was hungry, i just got paid, and because he was driving me around. i enjoyed his company and he was indeed, a gentleman. a cheating gentleman, regardless he was a gentleman. i don’t, however, understand why i was dating someone who made me feel uncomfortable when he kissed me and held me? he was a bit cute, but not sexy.(i lied and told him he was) it still wonders me why i’m highly attracted to him even though he made me feel uncomfortable. apart of me wants to believe that it was because i was molested or because i watched porn at an early age. regardless to say, i still love and care for the man somewhat. i also, somewhat, want to beat the living daylights out of him for lying to me about him leaving wanting to leave his girlfriend. however, i did make the choice to stay with him after our little date even though i knew he was still with his girlfriend. therefore, i’m not as angry because we are both to blame. he hasn’t talked to me since we broke up. possibly, for the reason that i tried to tell his girlfriend and i harassed him a little bit. well enough said for now, i need to get to class.

16 9 / 2014

Why make a schedule if your not going to stay with it?!?! My math teacher has been off schedule for the past two weeks. I would prefer going by schedule instead of not by schedule. Its really annoying. I have a migraine now because of this mix up.

06 9 / 2014

I always had a problem with believing i was an addict… i couldn’t understand definition of an addict until i had to do an essay with a conspiracy experience. My experience with addiction and the theories about weed not being a drug and not getting addicted to it. As i wrote out my story, i realize when i became and addict and how… not every addict has a horrid story of jails vs death. I am one of those addicts who thankfully didn’t have to hit rock bottom for me to stop. However, i have still need healing and i still need understanding. Looking forward to getting that soon.❤

06 9 / 2014

So I’ve had this on my heart since father’s day…
I don’t really know my dad… he didn’t raise me. I was raised by his parents. My sister had posted on instagram, on father’s day, about how great of a father he is. After reading that, i felt anger. Not towards her directly but anger because i can’t say that about my dad. I have no clue who my dad is. And i didn’t realize this emotion towards him until i saw that post. I have no idea what to do or how to cope with this. Tonight i realized my step brother is doing the same thing. He got married to a woman who has a child and is taking care of or raising him and i want to ask him how can u do that when u have another child? How can u just ignore ur first child? I would like to know that… i would like an understanding of that… a man’s point of view and emotion while he’s doing that… i want to know if the man still feels for the child or feel guilty because of it… i want to know…. 😕

05 9 / 2014

That moment when u can imagine u and your special someone spending a life together. ❤

01 7 / 2014

I decided to forgive you…
Then u broke my heart and crushed my hopes…
I decided to fall for you…
Why did i fall for you…?

26 6 / 2014

haven’t heard from my boyfriend since last night, so i’m assuming we’re done. i’m not actually surprised. i actually saw it coming. however my dumbass decided to fall for him so i’m a little hurt. you’d think you’d prepare yourself for such pain… wrong-o! no preparation could never stop you from hurting. lesson learned. never date a guy who swears up and down he’s leaving his girl.

26 6 / 2014

and again i am disappointed… 

20 6 / 2014

The things u do for me…
They surprise me each time…
Not one can compare to u my dear…
I find myself truly loving you.
I didn’t think that such thing could happen…
That u would really love me like u say.
That all my expectations would be wrong.
That in itself surprised me.
As each day passes by,
Dare i love u truly?
Dare i love u completely?
Dare i risk putting my heart on the table?
Dare i give u my heart to have and to hold?
Dare i…?
With all thats gone on and that is going on,
Dare i say i do?
Stress and all,
Anger and all?
Sadness and all?
Everything i go through,
Dare i love you?
Dare i love u faithfully?
Dare i put aside my doubts, my concerns, just to say i love you?
Dare i scream to the world “I LOVE THIS MAN!”?
….yesss….